last post

I'm not sure how many people will read this, since I'm back in the States now. But I felt the need to make one more entry...for the faithful few still left, here you go...

Since I have been back, I have: used a clothes dryer. Gone for a walk by myself around the neighborhood. Driven my car. Gotten on the internet whenever I wanted. Started collecting stuff for my new apartment. Gone shopping by myself. Used and thrown away a ziploc bag.

All things that I once counted as normal. Now, they seem weird, because I didn’t do those things in South Africa. Even American money is weird.

Welcome to reverse culture shock.

America itself has a different look and feel to it. And it’s not always a “good to be home” feeling. Yes, I celebrate the fact that the houses aren’t walled and gated in, that there’s no trash floating in the streets, that children aren’t running around playing barefoot without their parents, that there aren’t beggars and people trying to sell things at every robot (er, stoplight). But that’s just in my hometown; it doesn’t mean those things don’t happen in other American places. And it doesn’t take away the reality that still exists in Troyeville and so much of South Africa.

I feel slightly guilty that I can just walk away from a place and people in so much need, when they can’t. And I’ve come back to a country obsessed with stuff, with getting more and bigger and better things. I heard a statistic from Cheryl’s daughter-in-law: if America reallocated all the money it spent on ice cream in one year, it would solve the problem of hunger in Africa.

We have so much. They have so little. Why are we just sitting in our comfortable chairs, watching our big screen TVs, giving a sad look when we see the images of poverty on the screen before we switch it off and find something else to do?

But just throwing money at people isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution is. It’s a long process.

There are people over there working to help, doing their part to heal the community around them. Cheryl Allen is one of those people. Her heart is huge, and she has done so much for so many, trusting God with everything along the way. If I can be half of the woman of God and minister that she is, I will be lucky.

I constantly wonder what is going on over there, playing the, “It’s so-and-so time over there, meaning they’re doing this activity.” I worry about Nomalanga, Thabo, and Oyisa and how they’re adjusting to the cottage by themselves. I especially worry about Thabo, since both of his biological parents died of AIDS, and now he’s had to endure two more people leaving his life.

Fortunately, I’m not completely cut off from them. I can email back and forth with Carol and Amber, as well as a few other church people. Praise God for the internet.

******************************************

This will be my last post on this blog. There’s really no way to wrap it up with a neat little bow and concluding paragraph. Yes, I will be starting a new job and starting seminary in less than a month. But my time in Johannesburg is not “just a phase” or some thing I just did or a chapter in my life that is closing. It’s an experience that will impact me for the rest of my life. And for the people of Johannesburg, this life is still going on.

For those who are interested, you can continue to read about Troyeville Baptist and the Touch Life Centre through Carol and Amber’s blogs, as they will each be there for (at least) one year. The links are on the right side of the screen.

Also, for those who feel led to help out financially, there is information at the bottom of Carol’s site about how you can donate through the Virginia Baptist Mission Board. Every little bit helps. And please continue to pray for the people and the ministry there.

A closing thought from Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis:

“So many of us have been conditioned to think of our faith as solely an issue of us and God. But faith is a communal experience. A shared journey….the point of our stories and our faith journeys is that they are about something much bigger.”

Thank you for your prayers, support, comments, hugs, and love, and for listening to my story. And my prayer is that you may have been touched in some way, that you have been able to see that “something much bigger” that God is doing in us, around us, and through us.

a few pictures

I wanted to give you all a few shots of my life in Jo'burg...there are plenty more, but to see them you'll just have to ask :o)





















Oyisa (age 6) and Thabo (age 7). They loved to listen to our iPods...and strangely enough, really enjoyed country music!





















Tshepo (my "best friend" with a baby tied on his back. Many of the women carry their babies/toddlers like this, and in play time the children would often follow suit. Tshepo was the only boy that did this.

























With Elami, the girl I wanted to sneak into my suitcase :o)
















Op de Bergen street, right outside the church compound




















life behind barbed wire (picture stolen from Russell)

















Troyeville Baptist youth group


















Russell and I with Cheryl, Don, and Richard...one of the most amazing families I know



















last day with the kids and the staff

goodbyes and jet lag

Well, after a long time travelling (and a rather frustrating time in Dulles), I am back in Mechanicsville. It feels kinda weird...more about the whole reprogramming process in another entry, as right now I am still trying to get over the jet lag!

Like I said before, we had quite a few things on our plates before we left! Saturday we hung out with Katie and Alyson, since (a) they had a day off, and (b) it was Alyson's birthday! We went out to Bruma (an open-market type place, great for buying souveniers), then headed over to church where we put on a braai for the youth, and also in honor of our leaving. Of course, it was American style, with hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, baked beans, etc.

A funny thing about braais here (er, there)...it's traditional that men do all the cooking, and women stay inside fixing the salads. So of course I had to make sure I flipped a few hot dogs myself ;o) There are a few traditional gender roles here (er, there) that I've noticed. None are constricting or strict, but the expectations are a little different. Russell and I had fun breaking a few of those expectations while we were there...not in a mean way, but just showing what we were capable of. (They were shocked when he did his own laundry and cooked food, haha).

Sunday was our last service here, so we led music again and gave our testimonies. And they gave us a goodbye gift - two prints of paintings that Cheryl's son, Richard, made. It was the perfect gift, because (a) I had admired a few of the prints in Cheryl's house, and (b) I actually know the person who painted them! Then it was our last Sunday afternoon at Cheryl's (a time I'm really going to miss!), followed by dinner at Janice and Josh's. Josh made us all bunny chow, which is basically a cross between a sloppy joe and a big sub. A very long day/weekend, but definitely worth it!

Monday evening was the big celebration concert in honor of Cheryl's birthday. It was a lot of fun; she recruited various people to sing/play for the event, and they were all good. I opted to play a piano piece rather than sing, since my voice was still recovering from my extreme yelling a few weeks ago. Afterwards, I jumped in the kitchen to help with the dishwashing/plate collecting for the reception. It was a great way to see a lot of people before we left, especially Cheryl's family!

Tuesday evening we had a "family dinner" with Nomalanga and the kids, where we walked down to a restaurant and treated them to a take-away dinner. Then on Wednesday, we treated the TLC staff to a nice lunch, which we bought/fixed for them. We even used the nice plates and glasses in the church! It was our way of saying thank you to all of them, and doing something special for them.

An interesting thing came up in a conversation with Nomalanga. She was talking about us being there, and said (rough quotation here), "You two were so humble. I didn't know what you would be like living here. I thought you might come in thinking you were better than everyone else, and wouldn't even sit next to us. But you proved me wrong." On the one hand, it breaks my heart that she had that expectation. But given the fact that I was coming in as a white American, and the history of the place and reputation of Americans, I'm not that surprised. I'm touched that she was able to be honest about that, and that we were able to prove differently. The funny thing is, we didn't go out of our way to do that. We naturally treated everybody with respect and loved them as people, regardless of their race/class/status. Why do people have such a hard time doing that???

Saying goodbye to the kids was difficult. In some way, I think they sensed it, because in our final few days they were five times as affectionate towards us as normal. Lots of, "Teacher, sit here," hugs, and pushing to sit in our laps. We tried to explain to them as best as we could about our leaving, but I'm not sure how many really understood. I didn't want them to feel like we were just abandoning them. The staff was crying, and it was really hard for me to walk out of the hall and go in the car.

And now, I'm back here in the states. Of course, travelling was a bit of a headache...our flight from Washington, DC, to Richmond ended up being cancelled. So, instead of flying into Richmond at 6 pm, we were bussed in at midnight. Probably the most frustrating thing is that we were stranded in an airport only 2 hours away from where I live, and had they cancelled it earlier or given us a better idea of how long the delay would have been, I would have gotten someone to come pick me up. What a nice "Welcome to America" present.

I want to post some reflections/wrap-up things...but it's too soon. I still need time to process and get used to life here again, and really think about the things I experienced and changes within me. So once again, stay tuned...

last post from SA...

The goodbyes have already begun...I said my first one yesterday, and will continue to do so until we leave Joburg on Wednesday night. It's a strange time, because it's not real yet. And it will get harder and harder as Wednesday gets closer and closer. The hardest part is being asked when I will come back. All I can do is honestly answer, "When God tells me to," because I've learned not to plan out things on my own. It's a difficult answer to give, though...

Last weekend was quite fun, but exhausting! The hike on Saturday was around this meteorite crater, and it was perfect weather. Russell and I were the youngest in the group by at least 30 years, but it was nice. We also had a braai afterwards (braai = cookout)...but instead of hamburgers and hotdogs, think sausages, chicken, and lamb. And although it was fun, again I felt the unease of being around a different, "higher class" culture, and a few side comments about the "indigenous" made me cringe inwardly. I've really been brought into several different cultures at once, which is awkward at times, but has given me a better idea of the mix that is here in SA.

That evening we went to Thom and Ester's house for dinner. They work at the Joseph Project, which is a couple blocks away and does a daycare/afterschool program of it's own. They're a young, newly married couple, and it was really enjoyable to hang out with them and some of the other Joseph Project staff. (Yay, SA people closer to my age!) And we made our own pizzas with the best toppings ever...what more could you want! Then on Sunday, we had lunch at Cynthia and Sham's place with Nomalanga, Thabo, Oyisa, and Uncle Ivan. It was a TON of food, and we stayed there until late. The culture in their house was much more relaxed, especially regarding time. When I thought we would have been ready to leave, they brought out dessert and tea! It was so nice to have their hospitality.

This past week at the Centre, I've been doing a variety of things, especially since I'm not helping as directly with the teaching in the Puppy class. I still play with the kids quite a bit, but try to do other things to help out as well. Actually, on Thursday Faith had to take her son to a doctor's appointment, so Amber and I volunteered to help out in the kitchen...making the snacks and lunch. Yes, I helped cook lunch for 50 kids! (Don't get too excited...it was macaroni and cheese) ;o)

Tuesday evening we also went to see Amazing Grace (remember that movie this past winter?) with Cheryl's family. A very good movie, and it was nice to go out someplace new and hang out with them. (Have I mentioned that they're awesome?) And last night, I had a "girls night" with Carol and Amber, where we ate out and then went to see Shrek 3 (not as good as the original, but still cute). 2 movies in one week...crazy! I stayed over at Carol's last night, hence the early morning post. I'm gonna miss those two a LOT!

Well, I need to catch a shower before the day begins...between now and Wednesday evening, our schedule is pretty packed with things! It's helpful, though, to make sure that I say my goodbyes properly and get some closure on this experience. I've definitely changed, though in ways I can't fully express. So although I won't be posting from here anymore, stay tuned for wrap-up and reflection posts in the next few weeks...

And just so you know...I'll be landing in Richmond at 6 pm on Thursday. Then will begin the process of re-entry and re-programming...

See you soon!

(Thinking of and praying for Mary-Carolyn today as she starts her new life with Kyle!)

Weekend of luxury :o)

So this weekend, Carol is on a silent retreat with Pastor Cheryl. In her absence, she's letting me stay at her place...so I have a nice big bed, a SHOWER, and internet access for the weekend! Plus, Amber is here, so we can hang out and have fun girl time. It's also good, because the power went out at the cottage last night (again), and as of this afternoon, it still wasn't back on.

Youth Sunday went really well. The youth represented themselves really well, and the music (the part I mainly organized) went really well. I actually heard people in the congregation singing! I was also proud of them for learning the choir song that Russell taught them, and that Priscilla and NhlaNhla actually sang solos. Youth Sunday is a once-a-month thing, and I'm hoping in the future it will continue to be a bigger thing where they participate more and show the church their stuff.

The youth group here is really great. I've loved hanging out with them and getting to know them. Some of them are so insightful and really serious about their faith. And there are several others who openly admit they are not Christians, but still ask questions and participate. They have so much energy and willingness to do so many things. And when they play a game, they get into it! They're a part of the generation that will be crucial in the coming years, taking leadership and (hopefully) helping to turn this country around. I have so much hope for them, and see so much potential in them.

This week at the TLC, I've kinda been phasing myself out a bit. For the sake of the kids, and the staff, they need to get used to me not being around. So, Joyce has been aiding in the Puppy class, and I've been helping with other stuff around the church. I still hang out with them during meals and playtime and things. It's a tough thing, because I really want to help out a lot more and be with the kids as much as possible before I leave, but I don't want to make them dependent on me. The kids have become even more affectionate towards me, and the Puppies' new favorite thing is to blow kisses. I've even noticed them being more affectionate towards each other, hugging each other and things like that.

Something else that's cool is how the teachers have been changing. Quite often, Russell, Amber, and I will sit with the kids in their little kid chairs while waiting for a meal or snack, talking with them or hugging them or whatever. Now on occasion, the other teachers are doing the same, something I've NEVER seen them do before. They're not bad teachers or people; they just need some training and guidance about what to do with the kids, and the purpose of the TLC. It's not just a babysitting service; it's a ministry and educational process. And Amber is working on ways to help them in their teaching, coming up with themes and activities. There's great possibility for change, and I'd really like to see what it's like a year from now.

Of course, the kids still have their naughty side. Yesterday Tony had a staff meeting, leaving us three Americans with all 50 kids for about 45 minutes. When the cats are away, the mice will play! They knew the teachers weren't around, so they took full advantage of us. The kids were running around screaming, and it took everything we had to somewhat control them. As a result of yesterday, which involved a lot of yelling on my part, I managed to strain my vocal cords and have little voice left.

Today, Amber and I went to Door of Hope again, where I dropped off the donations sent with me, held some babies, then took the two Virginia girls out for a while. Katie and Alison are there for the month of July through the same program that I came through. They were very grateful for time out, and I really enjoyed hanging out with them and talking (as much as I could). It was a fun day all around!

PS - I have loved having Carol and Amber here! They're lots of fun to be around and talk to, and they like to take us places. Like Wednesday night, when Russell and I tried to make samp for dinner (a great South African dish that appears to be really easy to make)...let's just say the smell of smoke is finally out of the cottage ;o) Anyway, we were able to eat out thanks to Amber's generosity and willingness to take us to the mall. It's such a blessing to work with them and get to know them more.

On tap for this weekend: a hike tomorrow, dinner at someone's house tomorrow night, leading youth Sunday School on Sunday, and lunch after church at someone else's house. And, of course, enjoying the space of Carol's flat!

It's actually me posting!!

It's actually me updating! If you didn't know, all my previous posts have been typed on word documents, sent to my personal email account from Tony's home address, then posted by my parents or brother. But I'm at Carol's flat, using the internet, so I'm actually on now! As I am typing this, Russell, Amber, and Carol are off seeing the new Harry Potter movie. Seeing as I have yet to read any of the books or see any of the movies (and don’t know if I ever will…just not interested right now!), I am hanging out in Carol’s flat, where I am enjoying the luxury of quiet time, hot chocolate, and a SHOWER!! (Yay, for once I don’t have to wash my hair in the sink!!) The introvert in me is very happy :o)

This is going to be a random update…just some odds and ends that I don’t recall mentioning before, as well as some other observations.

Last week I had the opportunity to have dinner with my cousin, Liz (Thornberry). Yes, I have a relative in town! She’s working towards her Ph.D. in South African history, and as a part of that she’s taking a six week course in Zulu at Wits University on the other side of the city. It was a lot of fun to hang out, and she might even come by the Centre sometime to practice her Zulu with the kids and the staff.

On Sunday mornings, I’ve been helping with the praise team, running the Powerpoints. Yes, it’s the return of the powerpoint princess ;o) Well, last week Tony gave me the task of putting all their songs into powerpoint so he doesn’t have to type them up all the time. During down time at the Centre, I’ve been working through six (yes, six) large notebooks of lyric sheets and overhead transparencies, typing them all up. I’ve finally finished, and now I need to double check the formatting of the previous ones. He might also have me put pictures on them, if time works out.

Speaking of Sunday mornings…this coming Sunday is youth Sunday! So Carol, Russell, and I are taking over the planning of the entire service. I’m really excited about it...stay tuned for an update next week!

I’ve told you about most of my kids in my last update. Can I just say that I’m getting more and more attached to them, even if they are naughty? They’re so sweet and so much fun, especially since they’ve all warmed up to me. The other day, I was helping split up the classes for play time and was giving instructions to the Elephants. Rosina, one of my Puppies, came over and sat down with them to listen to me…I think she finally recognizes me as her teacher! I especially love to do puzzle time with the Puppy girls. We get out one of those wooden puzzles, and I hand them each a piece, one at a time. As each girl puts hers in, the others help her find the spot, and we all cheer when it’s put in the right place. I love being able to focus all my attention on a small group of them like that.

Another day, I was sitting outside while the kids were playing, and Elam came over to give me a hug. (I confess, she’s one of my favorites, though I try not to show it.) Then she said, “I love you, teacher!” (Okay, really, can I take her home with me?) But as I thought about it, I realized that I hadn’t heard those words since I’d been here (with the exception of among the Allen family, when the American team was here, and in conversations with my parents). And it made me wonder: how much, if at all, do those kids hear that? How much meaning does that phrase have for them? It breaks my heart to think that they might not hear it at all. I’ve been making a point to say it to them individually, when they give me a hug goodbye. I don’t want to overdo it, but I want them to know that I do love them, both through my treatment of them and telling them directly.

Cheryl also gave each of us a book called Fundamentals of the Faith, a workbook that has a lot of the basics of Christian beliefs that we’re to work through with someone else in a discipleship program. It’s not exactly one of my favorite books (I guess I’ve gotten a little post-modern and liberal in my thinking, so fill-in-the-blank faith questions aren’t my thing), but it’s a good thing for people who are learning the basics, to know what it really means to follow Christ. I’ve been assigned to Joyce, and today was our first discussion of it. We talked about some of the things, and I helped her to understand some of it. She’s still working on her English, so some of the language the book uses is a bit much for her. Pretty soon we were joined by Aurelia, who is just starting the book. It was so refreshing to sit outside and have discussions about the questions and things of that nature. Aurelia called it the “Touch Life College.” They both are eager to learn more, which is a great thing!

I think that’s all I wanted to mention. It’s hard to believe I only have two and a half weeks left here! There’s so much more I want to do, so many more people I want to get to know, so many people I don’t want to leave. Just thinking about leaving makes me tear up a little. Some people have asked me when I’ll come back, and I tell them honestly: when God wills it. Would I love to come back? Yes! But I don’t know what my future holds. I would definitely love to have another overseas experience (perhaps long-term? Here or another place?), but I’ve learned not to plan things too strictly, because God loves to turn my plans upside down and do something even better than I dreamed.

Now it’s time for three quick shout-outs: July 16 – Happy birthday to Miss Abbie Duke! July 17 – Happy 25th anniversary to my parents! July 18 – Happy birthday to Miss Kristin Beasley! (my apologies to others I have forgotten – most dates don’t stay in my head very well!)

Hope you all are doing well!

Holiday

Things are much quieter this week. The Holiday Bible Club went very well (over 100 kids on the last day!), and we had quite a fun weekend hanging out with the team from Charlottesville. Friday afternoon we went to the Apartheid museum then out to dinner at Boston BBQ (which, contrary to it's name, is a very nice buffet place that has no BBQ in it). Saturday we went to the nature reserve where I saw lions, zebras, cheetahs, wild dogs, ostrich, impala, hippos, wildebeast, rhinos, and a few tigers they are breeding (tigers aren't natural to Africa, contrary to popular belief). Then we went out to eat at Carnivore, where these men come around with huge pieces of various meats and offer you a slice. There's chicken and beef, but also ostrich, crocodile, impala, and other things. I'm proud to say I tried it ALL and it was quite good – the impala was my favorite. But it's odd to see them alive in the reserve then eat them later in the day...

Amber is now here! She's another Venturer like Carol and will be here for at least a year helping develop the programs here at the TLC. Side note: my dad was her math teacher when she was a freshman in high school. (Cue small children singing “It's a Small World After All”) We've been helping her feel a little more acclimated to the area and the Centre, and I think she'll be great.

For this week and next week at the TLC, attendance is lower due to the school holiday. So, the staff is on rotation, and we're not splitting up the kids into classes for teaching. In other words, just a lot of structured play time!

I don't think I've told you a lot about the kids, especially my class, because I've been learning how to spell their names first. I can say them all with ease now, but the spelling doesn't match up with the pronunciation, at least in my American mind.

My class, the Puppies, are ages 2-3. A difficult age in any country, I've learned. They're precious, but love to push boundaries and misbehave. And they are incredibly intelligent. Take today for example. I put them down for their naps and left the room once all eyes were closed and they were still, as is normal. Well, they know that's what I do, so as soon as they heard my footsteps leave, a few who were still awake popped their heads up and began talking! When they heard my footsteps again, they immediately stopped before I even got in the room. Needless to say, I've figured out how to sneak up on them and catch them in the act. But that's rare; usually they're good about going to sleep.

The boys love to give me trouble, especially if I take them to toilet. Sihle is quite an instigator and will stare me straight in the face while he disobeys me (by running around the yard or something like that). He's also taken to saying “Mama” when he wants my attention. I answer to it...really, I answer to anything! Oscar will sometimes follow along with Sihle, but many other times he is quiet and reserved.

One thing I've been wondering about is mental disabilities here. I'm no expert, but there are a few children I am concerned about. Siphamandla is one of them. I see a few elements of autism (repetitive motions, very disturbed if boundaries/rituals are not followed), though he can be quite social. Then again, it could be fetal alcohol syndrome. His niece, Nomfundo, is in the Elephant class, and she does several of the same things (yes, I said niece). I repeat: I'm no expert. But how many of these kids may have problems, but are just yelled at and punished for being disobedient? Lindo is another one in my class I'm not sure of. Sometimes he has such a blank look on his face, and he barely makes an effort to attempt putting on his shoes. Today, he wet himself (again), and as Malt was helping him change into new clothes, he proceeded to pee again, standing about three feet from the toilet. Disobedience? Bladder issues? Or a deeper problem? And how do you diagnose things like this in an impoverished area? And how do you get them the help they need when there is no training or staff available for it, or money for it?

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...there's Tshepo, who Joyce calls my “best friend.” The first day here, this adorable little boy always came running up to me wanting a hug. When I was put in his class and made his teacher, he proceeded to always run away from me if I told him to do something. So naughty, but so precious! He frustrated me to no end, but he was so cute that I couldn't be mad for long! About a week or so later, we were outside playing, and I took off my jersey (sweatshirt) and tied it around my waist. Next thing I know, he comes running over to me with his jersey, wanting me to tie it around his waist so he could be like me. It hit me – he disobeyed me because he liked me. Since then, I've noticed that he watches me very carefully, especially if I'm giving attention to someone else. He can still be naughty (he picks on kids twice his size!), but I would take him home in a minute :o)

The girls are another story. Elam is probably one of the brightest. She loves to point out colors and shapes that she sees (two things we're learning). But, she has bladder control issues, and changing her has become a daily occurrence. Emihle is also smart, but wakes up from every nap wet, even if we take her to toilet right before they go down. (If you haven't figured it out yet, a good part of my day is spent taking kids to toilet and changing them out of wet clothes). Rosina looks like a doll baby with these big eyes, but as she's gotten more used to me she's become more disobedient. Today, she was one of the ones talking during nap time. I'm not sure how much English she knows, because often what I say to her she will repeat straight back to me.

Grace goes between silent and mischievous. She was very naughty to me at first (pinching and attempting to bite me), but after I sent her to her mother, Faith, she's suddenly become much more obedient towards me. Her reaction time to questions and directions is slow, so I'm not sure if there is some LD there as well, or if it's a product of her environment. Siphogazi (I think I spelled that wrong) is very vocal, while Ompu is very quiet. And Awande seems to have connected with some of the girls in the Elephant class – during combined play times, they're often together.

There are a few others in the class, but they haven't been here much so I haven't gotten to know them as well. The trick with all these kids is just keeping their attention. They really are sweet, giving hugs and smiling and waving at me. With any kids that age, there's difficulty in balancing the fun and the discipline, while still letting them explore and discover things for themselves. I guess the most important thing is making sure they don't beat each other. Time out works fairly well, though with some of them it's a struggle to make them stay there! An occasional smack on the hand works for a few as well, especially if it's a repeat offense. Some of the other teachers will threaten with “I will beat you,” a common saying here. There's even a hand motion to go with it. Though they never follow through, I refuse to say it myself. In fact, it once slipped out of my mouth and I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day.

So, those are my kids. I do love them, even if they frustrate me to no end. And there's more in the other classes that I've gotten to know as well, but this entry is long enough so I'll leave it at that.

Oh, and two shoutouts! First, congrats to the new Mrs. Jennifer Marshall!! And a big thanks to Mary-Carolyn soon-to-be-Longbrake for the package – it was just what I needed, and the things for the kids will be given out shortly. And Russell thanks you for the pasta; he's been craving alfredo sauce, but we can't seem to find it.

Happy (late) Fourth of July!